How I taught my son to carry his pain and how you might do it too
It was close to my kid’s bed time when we were walking home after shopping for groceries. My six-year-old son started to complain: “I am soooo tired, I can’t walk anymore! Can anyone carry me?” We said we couldn’t and that he is not only old enough to walk by himself, but he is too heavy for us to carry him. This rationale gave him no comfort. With every step, he was grumpier and more frustrated and eventually he came to a standstill.
I took this opportunity to bond with him as I don’t get to spend so much time with him since his baby sister arrived. I asked him in a very enthusiastic and genuinely curious way: “Hey, what IF… All this grumpiness, all this pain… was just a little boy inside of you… Complaining, that he … {and then I intentionally used his words} is SOOO tired, so exhausted that he just can’t walk anymore?! This same little boy complains every morning when he needs to dress himself to go to school. He just doesn’t wanna do things, you know? He also doesn’t like veggies, healthy things…”
My son’s eyes sparkled, I could see he immediately started to enjoy this game. I love this about the kids: they are always present and always up for a game. He said cheerfully: “Then… I could be a policeman and I could put this boy in jail!” {Oh that wasn’t the reaction I was hoping for. But because I did not want to project my things, I just enjoyed the ride with my boy the way he wanted} So I asked him: “So would a policeman get tired of this walk?” He started to march with lots of energy: “No way!” I had to ask “Does mister policeman enjoy the walk now?” “Absolutely!” he cried loudly and he was already a few meters in front all of us so we had to hurry in order to keep up with him.
I was very proud of him and myself that we could turn the situation around.
When we arrived home I stopped my husband to share the experience with him as he was behind with the baby. I asked my son to help me with storytelling and he changed the narrative a bit, or rather developed it: “Well not in jail, daddy. I would not put this grumpy boy in jail. I would gently talk to him and as a policeman I’d carry him.”
I was SO happy to hear that. This was exactly what I was hoping to get him to do it, without me putting the words in his mouth and his heart. With this simple game, this little boy was able to process difficult emotions with initial de-identification process {I feel the pain. I feel the frustration. But I am not this pain, I am not this frustration} as well as tapping into his inner resources {He can be as strong as the role models he is inspired by} and he was finally able to integrate all his feelings into one wholeness with lots of empathy towards himself {he would give true attention to his inner pain and carry it home gently if needed}.
When we closed the doors, I put my hand on his chest gently and told him: “What you did today is very important. You showed real strength and empathy. Never forget that you have this loving and powerful policeman inside of you.” “Really, mum?” “Really, love.”
He was so excited that he jumped into his pyjamas without me asking twice for it and he showed me some martial arts moves. I took a photo as I didn’t want to forget this moment and this lesson. It wasn’t just he who got to learn something from this; with his example, I felt I could also start writing an article despite I am only thinking about doing it; I never get to do it as “my maternity leave is just too exhausting”. We all need a bit of a reminder sometime to move forward. No matter the circumstances, we all have inner resources we can tap into and they can help us grow and become who we want to be, instead of giving in to the feelings of powerlessness when it arises.
