Love yourself first – is this even possible?

I have seen lots of relationships that failed. I’ve experienced some of this myself. It’s normal; it’s life. We grow, we develop, we can enjoy single life as much as being in a relationship. We can say to ourselves that we are solely responsible for our actions and feelings, and take responsibility for our life. We mature. And that’s good.

But we are not an island. We are not self-sufficient no matter what stories we tell ourself. I have seen such behaviour a lot, but with no exception – this was what people told themselves when they were the most hurt and they had to survive on their own. If that’s a survival strategy, than okay. Do what you need to. But now it became a trend, that people say this to each other or even to themselves, and many are struggling with it.

How can you love yourself, if you’ve never been loved?

We hear you can’t give the other what you don’t have yourself. Like love. Love yourself first. But would you say the same to your kid? Would you also expect that neglected child who grows up can learn to be self-sufficient and becomes a real parent to himself? Yes, take a therapy, coaching, whatever that will help you heal. Nothing is wrong with that, in fact – the opposite: the more you know yourself, the better and healthier you’ll be. But nor a therapy or coaching or another kind of sessions you have, will replace authentic connections you need in your life.

We are beings made for relationships. Being in a society, being with the Other. How can someone learn to love himself if they were never truly accepted and loved by others?

This type of pop psychology – ”you gotta love yourself first” leads many in despair. People are nowadays perhaps even lonelier than ever. At schools mates are switched on the devices, dating is harder in quarantine, and even when meeting up – many don’t know how to interact, how to be truly curious about each other and often I hear, especially from women, how men don’t call them after they want to take it ’slowly’ and not jump in bed on a first date. I hear from men and women, who are beautiful beings, but single, how it’s hard for them to be truly happy and satisfied.

HEALTHY CO-DEPENDANCY IS GOOD

I see people who are mixing up a healthy measure of co-dependency with a toxic co-dependency. It is essential to know what’s our style of attachment – how we were safely or unsafely attached to our parents? Did we have to avoid our parents in order to survive? We need to look at our past to recognise what drives us in our relationships – especially if we are afraid to give our 100%. What is holding us back? And do you know, that if you don’t give your 100% in your relationship is like you’d hold on and not invest the most into what it is you value the most. If you want your partner to succeed in your relationship, you can set him or her up for success by giving your 100%.

It’s okay to be vulnerable. It makes us human. We are not made up to be an island. No one is. Perhaps it feels this way sometimes or even often if we grew up in an environment where no one indeed saw Us. Our Soul. Our Being. Then, of course, we would feel the safest on our own as only that way we’d be able to hear our voice.

But it’s not entirely your fault if you feel depressed, sad and lonely and you don’t know how to love yourself. Relationships are hard, and many had no role model and didn’t know how to give. We are living in a crowd, but this is a lonely crowd, as wrote David Riesman.

Have empathy towards yourself and towards your loving others. Feeling loved and be able to love takes an effort, takes courage to be vulnerable with the Other and often requires even skills and techniques to create enough safety where we can have a real connection, where you can give your 100% and allow yourself to be in a healthy co-dependent relationship where you both take care of each other.

Stay well, everyone 🤍